I thought that if I took the time to focus on myself,
To take a step back off the ledge and focus on my health, 

That surely now with time again to pause, to breathe, to think –
I’d see that life has more for me than living on the brink.

That maybe, if I took this time to rationalise my flaws, 
And trace the steps which led me here to finally find their cause,

The burdens that I’ve carried all these days and all these nights,
That weigh on me with every year I cling to out of spite,

Perhaps could lift and float themselves from out my hollow heart,
And on their wings would rescue me as famine tears apart

The ancient world I’ve come to loathe which sits a barren waste
Astride my life of scarcity with buds of hope erased.

My dreams are scenes unending joy where life and love can dance, 
And caught inside their pirouette bestow a second chance;

To feel the smile I dare not wear in all these years I waned,
Engrave itself upon my face as proof of all I’ve gained. 

To see the flowing colours run and drench my blackened view,
And free my eyes their starving gaze to drink a vibrant hue.  

To taste a world much sweeter than I’d ever known before,
And marvel at the ecstasy of life forever more.

But in my dream of perfect worlds where always there’s a cure,
Regardless of the wound we tend or torture we endured,

There comes a time when even from the deepest sleep we wake,
And when we grasp our fragile dreams too easily they break. 

Yes what a selfish dream to have, I best not speak aloud,
How dare I think myself a worthy cause or be so proud

To place my life above the whims and wants of someone else,
And for the first and only time to think of just myself. 

Can’t you see? I want to be as present as I can,
You honestly think I believe that absence is my plan?

My distance is a symptom of a treatment overdue,
A symptom that I know affects myself as well as you.

And yes it’s true a stronger person wouldn’t act this way,
And would I’m sure improve themselves and not impact their day,

I’ve never been, nor will I be, as strong or even brave,
As needed be, for you, from me, and perfectly behaved.

And yes that hurts and yes that’s bad, I don’t deny the price.
But surely you can understand I’d even pay it twice. 

When my alternative is falling back into the past,
And once again be trapped inside a world I can’t outlast. 

I wish I had the agency you seem to think I show,
But truthfully I’m weaker than I ever let you know.